I am CONVINCED my house has some sort of secret vendetta against me…

Did i ever tell you about the time I pissed myself because I woke up in the morning to a bedroom door that wouldn’t open and i had to PEE so bad??….

I DIDNT??!!!

     Well yea….I fucking pissed myself because my house is trying to fucking KILL ME! Or give me a bladder infection…one or the other.

For a few months, our house has slowly fallen apart. First it was the fridge…then the electrical outlets….(maybe it was the electrical first, then the fridge…..*thinks*) Anyway…Our bedroom door for whatever reason decided to STOP opening. To the point that I would have to give it a nice kick to get it open. Well one morning as i was getting out of bed, I went to open the bedroom door and it wouldn’t budge…So..I kicked it….

Nothing.

I kick it again….still………

Nothing.

I hear the front door open and Roland come in, he hears me trying to open the door….

Roland yelling through the door:  Babe? You cant get out babe?

So there we are trying to open this door and neither of us can make it fucking open. By this time i start to get a little panicky because if ROLAND cant open it…WTF am i supposed to do?!

ME:   Roland! I’z TRAPPED!!!

Roland:    Don’t worry babe, i will rescue you.   (one thing you have to understand about Roland and I. We have our own couple language, and for some reason it sounds a awful lot like LOLCats —True story)

Before i knew it i had the hammer in my hands and I’m BEATING the shit out of this doorknob to break the sucker off…there was NO other way for me to get out! Dropping the hammer i start to beat the door with my hands, not noticing the nice NAIL sticking out of it (the door, not my hand). Yeaaaaa that really sucked.

Holding on to my hand with my pretty new nail head imprint in my palm, i hear Roland on the other end beating his side of the doorknob. Unlike ME it only took him 3 good whacks and the knob came right off…

But the door STILL wouldn’t open!

Thank god my fingers are little and i was able to stick them in there and pull that fucker out, because if i hadn’t I’d probably would have pissed my pants again, and if that would have happened i would have burned this mother fucker down and toasted marshfuckinmellows over the ashes while i danced nekked over the embers!

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One thought on “I am CONVINCED my house has some sort of secret vendetta against me…

  1. omg that is too funny you really need to tell the landlady. hey i remember when i was there your bedroom door would not even stay closed, and now it doesn’t open at all. you all are cray-see

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