How did it come to this? Where did this idea even come from? It seems to me that it may have been a rumor at first, someone tried it and it spread like wildfire of the wonders of this natural medicine and its ability to cute everything from freakin acne, to heartburn, to fevers….Cancer, AIDS, shingles, ringworm, herpes…i mean these people LIVE by it!
What is this Miracle cure you ask? Is it approved by the F.D.A? Well folks, this cure all is something that you more then likely have in your kitchen right now….
You know, as gullible as i am and suffering with chronic heartburn i went along with this little charade!
ME: Moooooom! I have heartburn so BAD! Do you have any Tums?
MOM: No, drink some Apple Cider Vinegar……
Have you ever seen Mr. Deeds? You know the “Beddy Beddy sneaky butler?”
THAT was totally my Mom, before i could answer her she was already back from the kitchen with a table spoon ready for me to drink this apple cider vinegar that i was more then reluctant and don’t even remember agreeing to drink in the first place!
MOM: Here….drink it, its supposed to help.
ME: Who says?!
MOM: your aunt Lisa says it works! You can be my guinea pig.
So, she has this spoon in my face, the smell of vinegar frying my nose hairs off. So i open my mouth and i drink this tablespoon of fucking vinegar!
I will have to say that it was worse then any shot of alcohol i ever took in my life. I’d rather take 500 shots of fucking Jagermeister then drink that shit! INSTANTLY my throat closed up and i was already planning to spew Apple cider vinegar all over my sisters bed. BUT the ever so prepared mother that i have she hands me a water chaser.
Did it work…..? Hell fucking no! I felt it going down my throat hole and it was getting hotter and hotter, it reaches my heartburn and it like combines with it. So the rest of the day I’m burping damn vinegar. And the taste just would not go away! I don’t even know why they call it apple cider vinegar because in all honesty there was absolutely NO hint of apples or cider in it!!!
Later on in the day, my mom asks me…
MOM: How’s your heart burn?
ME: Still there.
MOM’s BOYFRIEND: You should give her some of those pills i got from Mexico, GIRLFRIEN THEY WORK! (yes he really does say Girlfrien with no “D” at the end.)
MOM: Oh yea…….i forgot we had those….
UPDATE: So today i mention to my mom i was thinking about getting Proactive for my recent Zit invasion.
MOM: Is it expensive?
ME: No, its like $30…
MOM: Why don’t you try Apple Cider Vinegar? Your Aunt Lisa used to to lower her fever and it worked!
I really think she does it to raise my blood pressure…..
UPDATE 2: So while laying in bed this morning, Roland was on his phone reading up some information on Flea’s. As I’m there zoning out he breaks the silence…
ROLAND: You know….. to get rid of fleas, if you mop the floor with 50% water and 50% apple cider vinegar it will take them away….Actually, that’s what I’m supposed to drink before football practice to prevent cramps.
i just walked out of the room.