They’re so unnecessary.
Took Violet and Sam home today after being with me for 3 days after their surgery. On the way to my ex house for some reason i started thinking about stopping by the bank on that side of town so i didn’t have to go later. Then the thought crossed my mind about maybe going to the grocery store that i used to go to, just to…..just. Then for whatever reason i got so sad. Just the thought if roaming through one of the most unorganized grocery stores in the city, just tore me up. I could feel all the tears in my eyes and i just had to keep telling myself STOP IT, think positive thoughts.
I’m in this really weird limbo. I have no idea what the hell to even feel half the time. Most of the decisions that i made during this time are half ass quickly unthought. Which leaves me with regret and ultimately feeling red\icuulous. Ive been dreaming a lot about being in search of something. I’m always looking for somthing in my dreams. Which i can obviously tell you why. I go to sleep to dream about everything as i want it to be,.,…not to be STILL looking for what ive lost. Its exhausting.
Ive tried substitution, ive tried to substitute one with the other. It worked at first, thought i was going to be able to feel butterflies again. That didnt last long.
Why am i punishing myself? The idea sounded so much better in my head. I figure maybe exposure therapy would work. If i saw it enough, if it was thrown and rubbed in my face enough it just wouldnt hurt anymore. Isnt that a valid form of overcoming something?
Exposure therapy is a technique in behavior therapy intended to treat anxiety disorders. It involves the exposure of the patient to the feared object or context without any danger, in order to overcome their anxiety.
Maybe its my own damn guilt, maybe i feel like i deserve this miserable ass shit.