Let me tell you a little….story…..

I will be the first to fucking admit that i am the QUEEN of bad decision making.  It seems to be a impressive gift or something.  (From what i have gathered THUS far) Take in point the recent removal of persons from my life.  This PERSON, has actually been the first one to enter my life after the departure of my ex.  He helped me a lot through the hard times by allowing me to cry and by making me laugh and feel special again.

He too had issues,  long term relationship (with children) recently dissolved.  His heartache was simmilar to mine, he understood how i felt, we cried together, shared stories, told each other it was going to be ok and then fulfilled the passion and sexual needs we were missing in life.  (if that’s what you want to call it :/)  

I remember our first kiss, like FIREWORKS!  All of our passion we were missing from those we lost, in those few moments.  Hands, everywhere……

He and I had our addictions.  That was our ultimate downfall in the end as it usually is when addicts collide.  When he and I started our friendship he had been clean and sober from drinking for over 5 years.  Only smoked marijuana and dabbled in some cocaine use.  Myself, i was a drinker and no longer a smoker, hadnt done cocaine since i was 18!  I remember the first time he handed me that pipe filled with marijuana.  I missed it.  I missed the thought provoking clarity it gave me.  It had been so long since i felt that clear…. If i had Marijuana in my life i would never drink again.  I remember the first drink in five years he took with me.   It was a drive to the river, rainy and overcast we sat in my little lancer and drank a 18 pk of LimeaRitas.  By we i mean HIM.  We decided to go to Lake Medina because at this time it was virtually empty due to the drought.  Driving down the pathway my little car groaned and popped, the suspension obviously not made for this tipe of trek.  Finally reaching the bottom he and i… (well…..you know)   He clawed and grabbed me like he was starving for me.  I loved to feel that wanted , after feeling rejected for so long.  It was new and it made me feel beautiful.

It was the same on the drive home, constantly clawing and kissing me, he mentioned that i should take him to get “other recreations”  i agreed.  It was not a pleasurable experience.  It was filled with peaking out of the blinds and high paranoia as i looked on helpless.  I have never been one for stimulants.  I like to sleep too much.

As time progressed, his stimulant and alcohol use progressed.  (i blamed myself for his newly reintroduced alcohol abuse) On a particular night i had been looking at my ex Facebook and noticed a posted picture of the new happy couple (him and his new)  Knowing that he (my friend) was coming over i decided to invite him to the bar with me, and proceed to get black out drunk.  Waking up that morning i was covered in bruises and vague memories of being slammed and punched and thrown around my car.  Not knowing what happened i contacted him….he tells me my crazy behavior and how i wouldn’t let him leave so he slammed my arm in the car door.  (i dont remember that, so i had to take his word.)

We forgave each other, as most abusive/dependent relationships do.   We moved on.  I stopped drinking (as much) around him. We went through the motions of being in a relationship without the title.  (He was sure to remind me at all times that he could do what he wanted, and that i could also, but if i did…he’d be pissed)  Yea it was fucking stupid.  Took him to my mothers house (almost didnt because we didnt get to leave until 11pm because his coke dealer didnt come through and i was so upset that i just called my mother and told her i had car trouble)  and he proceeded to get wasted drunk with my stepfather and make a ASS out of himself and make me leave at 1:30am a day before we were supposed to.   THEN scream and yell and punch the car when he finds out that a friend wished me a “Happy Valentines” which im sure was a mass text sent out.   YES this is someone who didnt want to be with me..and told everyone he met that i didnt “GET IT” when he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship.  As a result of this dispute my phone was thrown out of the window and i cried a lot.

In the 2 hour drive home he sobered up.  Coherent enough to hold a conversation and “allow” me to buy him dinner.   We go to my apartment, eat dinner and have sex.   (yea,  the stupidity in this situation is quite apparent, i realize this now)  In the morning we return my rental car and  get breakfast…..we depart with a mere hug like nothing and that was it….

We come to now.

In the time together, i had contributed to his “needs”   we shared those “needs”  my dabble in cocaine use had grown, i had done it at work, i had done it days at a time, i had started doing 100 to 200 dollars worth with him.   I remember sitting in my bedroom pacing back and forward feeling miserable and sick like i wanted to crawl out of my fucking skin.  I told myself over and over this is NOT something i needed in my life.  I didnt need to feel this i didnt need this expense…i didnt need this to destroy my life…..I got terminated from my job (from something completely UNRELATED from any kind of drug use, they never knew.)   And moved on to another job.   He and i decided to hang out one night and go to the strip club (Thats where i met THE COP)  He hit a deer and left it there to die…for some reason it hit a raw nerve.  I didnt talk to him for a long time after that.

On a particular lonely day weeks later he calls me and we talk….he tells me he needs a place to stay until he gets his things in order, i agree and let him stay a few days.   The next day i buy groceries and make dinner only to not have him show up and call me at 10pm and ask “Oh did u do something for me?  sorry.”

2 weeks later he calls and “casually mentions his need for his phone to be on so his son can contact him so he can know when his graduation ceremony is.   I turn his phone on and tell him to call me to make sure its working….

of course no call…..

I contact him the next day at work he tells me personal issues happened his phone was confiscated etc….whatever….he will call me back…..No call.

At this point….I am done.  100% done….I should have been done LONG ago, why i wasn’t is beyond me….I was tired of being treated like shit and tired of being used.   I took money out of my RENT fund to help him out and i was disregarded as not important.  My flame was burning bright~!~

So, i collected my things as well as a small protective weapon, and went to his house.

The look on his face was priceless….I wanted my money and he felt like he didnt owe it to me.  His family defended him and declared how the phones confiscation was of no fault of his….offered to pay his debts…kept him quiet so he didnt “make a scene”  walked on eggshells and tip toed around him so he was quiet…

What?

WHAT THE FUCK?

THIS is why he is the way he is…!!!!!  He doenst get his way u Lick his pussy until he calms down?

When his mother goes inside to i guess “calm him down”  his sister asks me..

“Does he know where you live?”

“Yea?” i said.

“If he comes to your house, dont answer the door, when hes drunk he will remember this.” she tells me.

well shit….i get my money and i leave.

At this point, in order to make himself feel better he feels the need to tell everyone how i went to his house to act like a psycho, and how HE’S done…

Ask my mom, Ask Robert, Ask Tim, ask them…………..

I’M DONE…….. YOU have NO choice in THIS MATTER!!!!!

fuck u

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