Talking to my mother tonight i realized how much of a really weird place i am. I mean its one thing to say it, but its quite another to feel that shit in ur bones. I feel like im lost but there is a faint light in the distance that i can barely see. I want to go that way but on the way to that light its dark as fuck. No way to see what im going to trip over, i may fall, i may get fucking hurt. But its either that way, or the way back and the way back is even darker then whats ahead of me.
There comes a time in everyones life where you kind of reflect back and see what the fuck you may have accomplished, or didnt accomplish. Its hard to take a look at that when you are NO WHERE where you even wanted to be in the first place. No where even close. I have chosen to move forward. I have chosen to look at myself, deep inside. Look at the things that i want to do with myself and why i have been afraid to do those things before. Fear is a really big thing. Fear of being hurt. But when i think about it, even when i wasnt doing what i wanted, and wasnt being as free as i could, i was still getting hurt. So i mean, what do i have to lose?
In order for others to see the good in me, i need to see that fully in myself. I need to validate my own self worth within rather then externally like i have been. There is so many beautiful things in this ugly world. I need to stop worrying about when all that will disapear and go away, and just live in it NOW. Appreicate all that is around me NOW. The people that care and love me are what is most important.
I feel guarded. I feel like i have gone through a gauntlet of judgement. Its effecting my communication with some and its hard. Ive always been a incredibly open person. This level of distrust that i have found myself in is weird but at the same time comforting. Its not the way i should be though. Honestly.
There is so many things i want to do. There are so many things that are fully within reach, i just need to get out of my own way to get them, or accomplish those goals. Are they goals, or desires? Isnt that all goals really are anyway? Desires that are put into motion to become a reality??
So here we are…..my list of desires i want to have as my reality!!
Austin Bucket list!
- Climb the “Mountain” at Riverplace Nature Trail
- See the Bat explosion under the bridge WITHOUT anyone barfing. (long story)
- Check out some ROLLER DERBY!!!
- Walk, just take off one morning and head downtown and just “see what happens”
- Find good Mexican food
- Find good Filipino food
- Check out as many LIVE LOCAL bands as possible!!!!
- Eat at least ONE sexpensive restaurant every 2 weeks.
- Jump on the bus and ride. (fuck it)
- DOCUMENT IT ALL!!!!