I wont pretend to understand the actions of another person. People have their little “things” , quirks if you will. Things that they do without even knowing they do in the first place. These things are noticeable to someone who obviously doesn’t have this same “quirk“. Sometimes the “quirks” can have someone sit back and be like, “well okay then?”
I bring you to the soap incident. Which I have to say is something have never encountered.
Having lived with my roommate for a little over 2 weeks, and having spent time in the apartment for a couple of months on the weekends I knew he had his “man” soap. You know, the soap that is mainly used by men the one that dries out your skin to no end. Irish Spring ass soap. So typically in the mornings I take a shower before work and I “sit” I’m a shower sitter in the morning, basically because I’m tired as fuck and who the hell wants to stand up in the shower when you can sit your ass down. Am I right? So one morning, I get in the shower and sit my ass down….I happen to look over to my right….
What the hell?!
Sitting there in the shower I stare at this little folded crumb of soap and I DIE! I am all for saving and conservation of the supplies but HOLY SHIT!!! This dude used that soap up enough to where he could FOLD that little mother fucker in half, and STILL use it!!! And he did….he used it, and used it until it was a teeny tiny crumb of soap. WHY he couldn’t just use shampoo is beyond me but he stretched that shit OUT!!!!!
I made it my morning routine to check on the soap crumb….it became my little folded homie in the mornings. It gave me a nice little chuckle as i sat my ass in the hot water….until one day….. Javier (thats what i named him, my little soap buddy) was NO MAS…
RIP Javier, i will miss you often…
Talking to my mother tonight i realized how much of a really weird place i am. I mean its one thing to say it, but its quite another to feel that shit in ur bones. I feel like im lost but there is a faint light in the distance that i can barely see. I want to go that way but on the way to that light its dark as fuck. No way to see what im going to trip over, i may fall, i may get fucking hurt. But its either that way, or the way back and the way back is even darker then whats ahead of me.
There comes a time in everyones life where you kind of reflect back and see what the fuck you may have accomplished, or didnt accomplish. Its hard to take a look at that when you are NO WHERE where you even wanted to be in the first place. No where even close. I have chosen to move forward. I have chosen to look at myself, deep inside. Look at the things that i want to do with myself and why i have been afraid to do those things before. Fear is a really big thing. Fear of being hurt. But when i think about it, even when i wasnt doing what i wanted, and wasnt being as free as i could, i was still getting hurt. So i mean, what do i have to lose?
In order for others to see the good in me, i need to see that fully in myself. I need to validate my own self worth within rather then externally like i have been. There is so many beautiful things in this ugly world. I need to stop worrying about when all that will disapear and go away, and just live in it NOW. Appreicate all that is around me NOW. The people that care and love me are what is most important.
I feel guarded. I feel like i have gone through a gauntlet of judgement. Its effecting my communication with some and its hard. Ive always been a incredibly open person. This level of distrust that i have found myself in is weird but at the same time comforting. Its not the way i should be though. Honestly.
There is so many things i want to do. There are so many things that are fully within reach, i just need to get out of my own way to get them, or accomplish those goals. Are they goals, or desires? Isnt that all goals really are anyway? Desires that are put into motion to become a reality??
So here we are…..my list of desires i want to have as my reality!!
Austin Bucket list!
- Climb the “Mountain” at Riverplace Nature Trail
- See the Bat explosion under the bridge WITHOUT anyone barfing. (long story)
- Check out some ROLLER DERBY!!!
- Walk, just take off one morning and head downtown and just “see what happens”
- Find good Mexican food
- Find good Filipino food
- Check out as many LIVE LOCAL bands as possible!!!!
- Eat at least ONE sexpensive restaurant every 2 weeks.
- Jump on the bus and ride. (fuck it)
- DOCUMENT IT ALL!!!!
Sitting at my register with this Mexican guy who spoke no English, this African american woman runs into my store…into the bathroom…..i hear sobbing and tearing of paper towels….more sobbing….and i casualty mention to the Mexican man who “doesn’t speak any English”
“wow i wonder what happening in there..”
Hispanic guy says…..
So, as confused as i was, he left the store and the girl emerges from the bathroom with her hand wrapped in a paper towel…covered in bloood…..
“OMG are you ok…..?!!!!!!!!!!!!!” i ask
she walks out in tears……
this girl chopped her damn finger off in her car door…..slammed that shit. blood everywhere in my bathroom…
i wasn’t cleaning that shit up…
There was these two women that walked into the store today. One who was dressed well, the other who sort of looked like she was on crack. She may have well been for all i fucking know. They walk passed my register and the crack looking one mouths something to me, so the other girl couldnt hear. I didnt even know what she said to me to be honest. Time passes and they come out of the rest room and the cracky looking one runs screaming through the store to the back office….
“HELP ME, IVE BEEN KIDNAPPED, THEY’RE TRYING TO KIDNAP ME THEY’RE GOING TO SHOOT ME THEY HAVE GUNS!!!!”
She scared the shit out of me because i thought she was so twacked out that she was seeing things on her or something….The girl she came into the store with just sort of stood there and just said..
“Really? Are you serious right now?”
And then walked out….
Police, ambulance….the whole squad came out…..
Yea, this was barely my 5th day at this place….lol
You know, when someone demonstrates a displeasure and you go with it , thats cool. I respect the displeasure and i respect you. I am a grown woman able to put the shoe on the other foot and feel that displeasure for myself. But lets take a step back farther….
Would she do the same? If you told her to no longer post the naked ass pics of herself for her 800+ followers on instagram to see…. If you told her HEY it makes me uncomfortable when you get on snapchat and insta and god knows what else and talk to random men, HEY that makes ME uncomfortable….would she stop….
Today is a day that I literally sit and work with my headphones in and drown out the world. It has been the longst, loneliest, rough, shortest year of my entire life. I don’t know how to feel. What DO feel is the same exact thing I felt then. I thought I was being brave. Maybe I was. Masking the hurt because it obviously hurt him to make the decision. He cried and told me he didn’t want me to be alone. And that’s exactly what happened. I ended up alone. I think this is the most alone I have ever been. Left to deal with myself and the person I had become in the 7 years. The person I was left to unravel into. And boy did I fucking unravel. I unravelled hard and messy. In my solitude. Spinning out of control and then hitting the walls of life. Tired of picking myself up and looking at myself and knowing that for 7 years while I was still in a sense out of control. It was the most control I had ever been in my life. Today last year I was set free. I have to keep reminding myself on a daily basis. That I wasn’t happy either. I have to keep reminding myself that I was sad all the time and was constantly feeling rejected and bad about myself because I loved someone entirely way too much. Far more then he loved me. I have to remind myself the lonely days and the lonely nights of being by myself, even with someone in the next room I have to remind myself that he never held my hand and he was never the first one to say “I love you” first. I can’t forget that. Because I did. And it’s important not to.
This is the path that’s been set out for me And while it’s taking me a lot longer to make my way through it then I had hopped it’s good for me. It will all get better with time.