I will be the first to fucking admit that i am the QUEEN of bad decision making. It seems to be a impressive gift or something. (From what i have gathered THUS far) Take in point the recent removal of persons from my life. This PERSON, has actually been the first one to enter my life after the departure of my ex. He helped me a lot through the hard times by allowing me to cry and by making me laugh and feel special again.
He too had issues, long term relationship (with children) recently dissolved. His heartache was simmilar to mine, he understood how i felt, we cried together, shared stories, told each other it was going to be ok and then fulfilled the passion and sexual needs we were missing in life. (if that’s what you want to call it :/)
I remember our first kiss, like FIREWORKS! All of our passion we were missing from those we lost, in those few moments. Hands, everywhere……
He and I had our addictions. That was our ultimate downfall in the end as it usually is when addicts collide. When he and I started our friendship he had been clean and sober from drinking for over 5 years. Only smoked marijuana and dabbled in some cocaine use. Myself, i was a drinker and no longer a smoker, hadnt done cocaine since i was 18! I remember the first time he handed me that pipe filled with marijuana. I missed it. I missed the thought provoking clarity it gave me. It had been so long since i felt that clear…. If i had Marijuana in my life i would never drink again. I remember the first drink in five years he took with me. It was a drive to the river, rainy and overcast we sat in my little lancer and drank a 18 pk of LimeaRitas. By we i mean HIM. We decided to go to Lake Medina because at this time it was virtually empty due to the drought. Driving down the pathway my little car groaned and popped, the suspension obviously not made for this tipe of trek. Finally reaching the bottom he and i… (well…..you know) He clawed and grabbed me like he was starving for me. I loved to feel that wanted , after feeling rejected for so long. It was new and it made me feel beautiful.
It was the same on the drive home, constantly clawing and kissing me, he mentioned that i should take him to get “other recreations” i agreed. It was not a pleasurable experience. It was filled with peaking out of the blinds and high paranoia as i looked on helpless. I have never been one for stimulants. I like to sleep too much.
As time progressed, his stimulant and alcohol use progressed. (i blamed myself for his newly reintroduced alcohol abuse) On a particular night i had been looking at my ex Facebook and noticed a posted picture of the new happy couple (him and his new) Knowing that he (my friend) was coming over i decided to invite him to the bar with me, and proceed to get black out drunk. Waking up that morning i was covered in bruises and vague memories of being slammed and punched and thrown around my car. Not knowing what happened i contacted him….he tells me my crazy behavior and how i wouldn’t let him leave so he slammed my arm in the car door. (i dont remember that, so i had to take his word.)
We forgave each other, as most abusive/dependent relationships do. We moved on. I stopped drinking (as much) around him. We went through the motions of being in a relationship without the title. (He was sure to remind me at all times that he could do what he wanted, and that i could also, but if i did…he’d be pissed) Yea it was fucking stupid. Took him to my mothers house (almost didnt because we didnt get to leave until 11pm because his coke dealer didnt come through and i was so upset that i just called my mother and told her i had car trouble) and he proceeded to get wasted drunk with my stepfather and make a ASS out of himself and make me leave at 1:30am a day before we were supposed to. THEN scream and yell and punch the car when he finds out that a friend wished me a “Happy Valentines” which im sure was a mass text sent out. YES this is someone who didnt want to be with me..and told everyone he met that i didnt “GET IT” when he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship. As a result of this dispute my phone was thrown out of the window and i cried a lot.
In the 2 hour drive home he sobered up. Coherent enough to hold a conversation and “allow” me to buy him dinner. We go to my apartment, eat dinner and have sex. (yea, the stupidity in this situation is quite apparent, i realize this now) In the morning we return my rental car and get breakfast…..we depart with a mere hug like nothing and that was it….
We come to now.
In the time together, i had contributed to his “needs” we shared those “needs” my dabble in cocaine use had grown, i had done it at work, i had done it days at a time, i had started doing 100 to 200 dollars worth with him. I remember sitting in my bedroom pacing back and forward feeling miserable and sick like i wanted to crawl out of my fucking skin. I told myself over and over this is NOT something i needed in my life. I didnt need to feel this i didnt need this expense…i didnt need this to destroy my life…..I got terminated from my job (from something completely UNRELATED from any kind of drug use, they never knew.) And moved on to another job. He and i decided to hang out one night and go to the strip club (Thats where i met THE COP) He hit a deer and left it there to die…for some reason it hit a raw nerve. I didnt talk to him for a long time after that.
On a particular lonely day weeks later he calls me and we talk….he tells me he needs a place to stay until he gets his things in order, i agree and let him stay a few days. The next day i buy groceries and make dinner only to not have him show up and call me at 10pm and ask “Oh did u do something for me? sorry.”
2 weeks later he calls and “casually mentions his need for his phone to be on so his son can contact him so he can know when his graduation ceremony is. I turn his phone on and tell him to call me to make sure its working….
of course no call…..
I contact him the next day at work he tells me personal issues happened his phone was confiscated etc….whatever….he will call me back…..No call.
At this point….I am done. 100% done….I should have been done LONG ago, why i wasn’t is beyond me….I was tired of being treated like shit and tired of being used. I took money out of my RENT fund to help him out and i was disregarded as not important. My flame was burning bright~!~
So, i collected my things as well as a small protective weapon, and went to his house.
The look on his face was priceless….I wanted my money and he felt like he didnt owe it to me. His family defended him and declared how the phones confiscation was of no fault of his….offered to pay his debts…kept him quiet so he didnt “make a scene” walked on eggshells and tip toed around him so he was quiet…
WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS is why he is the way he is…!!!!! He doenst get his way u Lick his pussy until he calms down?
When his mother goes inside to i guess “calm him down” his sister asks me..
“Does he know where you live?”
“Yea?” i said.
“If he comes to your house, dont answer the door, when hes drunk he will remember this.” she tells me.
well shit….i get my money and i leave.
At this point, in order to make himself feel better he feels the need to tell everyone how i went to his house to act like a psycho, and how HE’S done…
Ask my mom, Ask Robert, Ask Tim, ask them…………..
I’M DONE…….. YOU have NO choice in THIS MATTER!!!!!
And i dont know why i didnt PRE think this shit out. It had literally been the FIRST time i looked at Pshhaww.net since all this went down. Its been really hard. The whole of Pshhaww was us, things we did the shit we thought was funny. I didnt reailse that reopening was going to be so hard. Going back and reading all of it, laughing out loud, getting sad, remembering things that i didnt until i read it. Like when i got locked in the bedroom and you had to free me, Or when we saw George Castanzas dad at Bill millers after my night in the emergency room. Or when we hit that point in our relationship where u decided u didnt have to wear pants anymore…lol OR FINALLY when you had a moment with Jonathan Davis at HEB
Its been almost a year.
Its still as hard for me as that first night that i slept in my apartment on my own. I wish it wasnt. I may talk shit, but you really did make me a better person. I stopped smoking, and “smoking” and stopped going out, i got my shit together and learned to be a “adult” something people had been trying to teach me since i turned 18. Sometimes i will see something or see someone and know that you would think that shit was hella funny.
One day, i’ll be able to move on and give thanks to god for him putting you into my life. Take the experience that you taught me and showed me…the laughter and the love. The good times we spent together, the talks, the home we shared. Our girls. I’s been over for awhile now. It still kills me. You cant be replaced right now in my heart, there is no way that it will let it happen.
I love you so much, just know that. I will always help you take care of our girls, even though people say “they’re just dogs” To US they arent and I will always help u with them financially until the day they’re no longer with us.
I wish you all the happiness in the world because you deserve that. We both do. You will always hold such a special place in my heart for so many reasons. I will always remember. I hope u do too.
Some may call it Ratchet, i call it Gangster…..
So, on a trip to Chachos this evening, (a nacho spot that people get shot at by cops) My girl , Brittany was hella hungry… TOO hungry for the nacho plate we had last time so she needed the EXTREME nacho plate….i tried to tell her…
The NACHO mountain was a little offensive….not to mention gross , but i helped her as much as i could….i will admit that my cheese to chip ratio was way off, ill pay for that when i cant shit for the next few days…. Just saying….
Not to mention the fact that If Brittany sees a ugly baby she will tell your ass…..
So im making fish Tacos Sunday….well technically TODAY and i bought all the fixings but i didn’t have a sauce. So i told Brittany since we were going to CHACHOS i might as well snag some of that green sauce they have, i told her i had a baby Tupperware….she didn’t believe me….
Girl laugh at me again when ur eating some of that NOM green sauce on ur fish taco tomorrow night….!
I had one of the worst mornings ever. Yesterday climbing up the stairs to the parking garage (because the side i went to didnt have a elevator and i thought it did) 4 floors, hella flights, i felt my back pull. YAY….. so it was bothering me a little last night so i took a muscle relaxer so i could sleep so naturally i was a tad groggy this morning. I wanted to sleep in BUT Patrick wanted to play so he layed behind me and scratched his Freddy Kruger’s on my back all morning.
Getting out of bed at 7:50am i had to leave my 8:00am so i was rushing a tad. Get all my shit and walk outside and its POURING…..joy.
Walking to my car my cotton flats submerged in water i finally sit in my dry car with soaking wet feet, turn that mother fkker on and BAM no gas…..i forgot i had to put gas. I was going for it i had no time to stop…. Had to be at work at 8:30am!
I was Hella mad.
I can’t begin to tell you how much I look forward to lunch time at work. Not because it’s a break from the paperwork or the numbers it’s because the cafeteria is epic as Fk! First of all u choose ur food stuffs Then u take it to this little machine thing and scan what you get.
Run ur little pre loaded key chain doohickey thing and boop……
What can I say I’m amused by the littlest things. But u can’t say that’s not at least a little bad ass.