Music in my ears, not a voice to be heard…

Today is a day that I literally sit and work with my headphones in and drown out the world.   It has been the longst, loneliest, rough, shortest year of my entire life.   I don’t know how to feel.   What DO feel is the same exact thing I felt then.   I thought I was being brave.  Maybe I was.   Masking the hurt because it obviously hurt him to make the decision.  He cried and told me he didn’t want me to be alone.   And that’s exactly what happened.  I ended up alone.  I think this is the most alone I have ever been.  Left to deal with myself and the person I had become in the 7 years.  The person I was left to unravel into.  And boy did I fucking unravel.    I unravelled hard and messy.  In my solitude.  Spinning out of control and then hitting the walls of life.  Tired of picking myself up and looking at myself and knowing that for 7 years while I was still in a sense out of control.  It was the most control I had ever been in my life.   Today last year I was set free.  I have to keep reminding myself on a daily basis.  That I wasn’t happy either.   I have to keep reminding myself that I was sad all the time and was constantly feeling rejected and bad about myself because I loved someone entirely way too much.  Far more then he loved me.   I have to remind myself the lonely days and the lonely nights of being by myself, even with someone in the next room   I have to remind myself that he never held my hand and he was never the first one to say “I love you” first.   I can’t forget that.   Because I did.  And it’s important not to.

This is the path that’s been set out for me    And while it’s taking me a lot longer to make my way through it then I had hopped it’s good for me.  It will all get better with time.

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